The Barber of Gopher Road
by detectivejigsaw
Summary: Stan finds his potential calling in life. Part 3 of the Flipside AU.


**Here's a nice humor story to hopefully heal you guys up after the gut-wrenching-ness of the first two tales. Bon appetit.**

* * *

The front door opened, and Ford stomped in, carrying an empty satchel and grumbling to himself.

Stan, who was looking in the bathroom mirror and wondering if his ears had always been this big (getting a haircut recently seemed to have really made them stick out), peered out and saw him looking like a storm cloud with glasses.

"No luck?" he asked, turning off the bathroom light and going into the main room after his brother.

Ford dumped the satchel on the giant toe coffee table and flopped into one of the chairs which had been set up on either side of it.

"_Mutter mutter _unicorn _mutter mutter mutter _pure of heart _mutter_," he replied.

Stan took a moment to process that. "I'm gonna take that as a no."

"The dumb unicorn said that I wasn't pure enough of heart, okay?" Ford snapped.

"Pure of heart? What does that even mean?"

Ford gave an irritable shrug, looking more like a sulky toddler than his usual semi-dignified self.

"Sounds kinda hinky," Stan said, frowning. "Cuz if that's supposed to mean someone who's never done anything wrong, that's impossible. Nobody's ever been pure of heart unless you believe in Jesus and the Dalai Lama and stuff."

"Stanley, the Dalai Lama is a real person."

Stan was no longer listening, because the wheels of his brain were busy turning. Absentmindedly he began pacing back and forth, in a way that was quite like his brother except that he was rubbing the back of his neck, brushing over the spot that used to be covered by his hair.

His hair…

Suddenly, eyes bright with an idea, Stan snatched up the satchel. Then he headed for the kitchen and dug around in the drawer they used for miscellaneous items (which was always sticking because neither of them could remember to make sure the items were laid in properly) until he pulled out a pair of good sharp scissors.

"What are you doing?!" Ford demanded, chasing after him.

"Watch me, Sixer. I'm gonna get you that unicorn hair."

Ford let out an incredulous scoff. "You? If I am not pure of heart by her standards, then _you _are definitely not-"

"See ya later."

And Stan snatched the journal that contained the incantation to open the entry to the unicorn glen, and was out the door.

* * *

After a stop in town to pick up some extra supplies at the convenience store, Stan headed into the forest. The glen was easily found and opened, even though he felt a little stupid reading the chant aloud. But at least it worked-even if it meant being nearly blinded by the horrendous rainbow light when he opened the giant golden doors.

_It looks like a six-year-old girl's backpack threw up all over this place_, he thought, taking in the trees, the waterfall above the limpid pool, and above all, the unicorn posing curled up on a rock in front of the random rainbow which was hanging in the air for no apparent reason.

"_You again!"_ the unicorn exclaimed when she saw him, leaping to her dainty hooves and stamping one of them in agitation. "_I told you, you are _not _pure of heart-!"_

"You got the wrong guy, sister," Stan said, putting his hands in his pockets. "I'm his brother, Stan. Nice ta meet ya."

The unicorn blinked her enormous purple eyes in bewilderment. "_Amazing! I've never seen two humans who looked so much alike!"_

Stan snorted. "Eh, personally I think I'm the handsome one. Anywho, I wanted ta see you for myself, and-"

"_Only a human who is pure of heart may have some of my hair!"_ The unicorn stamped her hoof again, and flared her nostrils in a dainty snort.

Stan barely refrained from rolling his eyes. "Yeah, well, I'm probably not gonna make the grade, but feel free ta check."

The unicorn, Celesta-whatever (Ford had mentioned hearing her name from the gnomes, but Stan had already forgotten the full thing), looked confused for a moment, but then jabbed her horn into his chest.

Stan resisted his next impulse, to smack away the sharp object being jabbed at him.

_She's not using it as a weapon_, he reminded himself. _Be cool._

Sure enough, after the heart shape appeared for a few seconds, Celesta-thingy reared her head back.

"_Yooooouuuuu are not pure of heeeeaaaaart!"_ she wailed. "_And you didn't take off your shoes when you came in! You must leeeeeaaaaave!"_

This time Stan was unable to resist rolling his eyes a tiny bit. But he shrugged, and hoisted the bag higher up on his shoulder.

"Okay, fine by me. If you want to loaf around with your hair looking like that, what do I care?"

And he turned on his heel.

"_WHAT WAS THAT?!"_

Stan glanced over his shoulder, and hid a smirk at the look of shocked outrage on the unicorn's face.

"Nothing, nothing. Have a nice day." He turned back around and headed for the exit-

Seconds later Celesta-whosit was in his path, teeth actually bared. "_What did you say about my hair?! How dare you! My hair is beautiful and perfect!"_

Stan chewed his lip, and did an indifferent shrug. "Okay, if you say so."

"_What?"_ she demanded. "_Tell me what you're implying this instant!"_

"Oh, you don't wanna-"

"_TELL ME!"_

Stan sighed in fake reluctance. "Well, if you insist…" He took a deep breath. "It's just...your hair is completely last year's style, okay? I mean, have you looked at it recently?" He strode around her in a circle, plucking at it with the tips of his fingers and making disapproving noises. "You're behind the times, letting it grow all long like that-I'm surprised you haven't been laughed out of the forest! And don't even get me started on those awful split ends."

"_I do NOT have split ends!"_ But now there was a waver of uncertainty in her not-so-angelic voice.

Stan shrugged, coming back to face her. "Whatever you say, lady. All I'm saying is, give me fifteen minutes and I could fix you up real nice, make it so you could actually show your face outside. But you obviously don't want anyone touching your hair, so just don't worry about it. See ya around-"

Seconds later he was being shoved bodily into the center of the glen, until he landed on his rear on a large rock (ow). Then the unicorn draped herself in front of him, tossing her rainbow-colored locks until they were facing him.

Stan tried not to grin.

* * *

It was surprisingly relaxing, cutting the unicorn's hair. He hadn't had much experience, but he did his best to keep it even, stuffing the chopped-off parts into the satchel. He was almost done, when two more unicorns stepped into the glen from the other side of the pool.

"_Hey, C-beth, you busy? We were wondering-WHAT THE HECK?!"_

Both of them stopped, jaws dropping practically to the ground.

Celesta-whatsit raised her head, the tip of her horn glowing. "_Oh, hi, guys! This wonderful human is giving me a haircut to help me keep up with the times!"_

Stan raised the hand not holding the scissors and waved to them. "How's it hanging?"

_And she's not the last of her kind either. These guys really are a bunch of lying jerks._

The pink one daintily stepped forward, head tilted in bewilderment. "_Keep up with the times? What are you talking about?"_

Stan trimmed the last piece, and cleaned off his scissors on his sleeve. Maybe it would be best to grab the satchel and run with it...but suddenly he wanted to know if this would work. "You guys really don't get out much, do you? If you did you wouldn't even have to ask." He patted C-beth's hide. "Go on and take a look."

The unicorn got to her hooves, and stepped over to the pool, where she peered in-and gasped.

Stan had turned her mane into a bob which stopped just at the base of her neck, and curled at the ends, so she suddenly bore an odd resemblance to some pictures of his grandma that his mother had shown them once. It was a little ragged, and he hadn't quite gotten it to look like the picture in one of the hairdo magazines he'd brought, but on the whole it was better than he'd worried it would turn out.

C-beth tossed her mane back and forth, eyes wide.

"_I-it's been so long since it's felt this _light_," _she marvelled. "_I'm not sure how I feel about it…"_

"_Can you do my hair too?"_ the turquoise unicorn suddenly asked, bounding over to Stan.

"_Yeah, me too!"_ cried the pink one. "_Cut my hair-I've had this same stupid 'do since I was a foal! Do you think you can do layers?"_

"_Man, we gotta tell the girls at the hooficure place!"_

"_We'll pay you!"_

Before Stan's eyes, they briefly turned into wallets with hooves.

* * *

A few hours later, Ford stared at Stan, jaw dropped, as he emptied out a bag filled with rainbow colors.

"And I think I can probably get more if I go back tomorrow-they said they were gonna tell their friends, and they'll want to keep up with the new 'style' too. I'm gonna need some practice with haircuts, but maybe I can learn how ta do head massages or something to add to it. And look!" He grabbed the enormous treasure chest he'd been given by the gushing unicorns, and pushed it open with his foot. "We finally have treasure!"

Well, technically it had been him. But still. Ford was the one who had found the unicorns in the first place, so he was kind of involved.

"...You tricked the unicorns into giving up their hair?" Ford asked in a tone of strangled disbelief. "And they _paid_ you for it?"

Stan grinned, and shrugged. "Guess being a liar and a cheater works for me after all. So, what're you gonna do with this stuff?"

Ford still looked a little shell-shocked. "Well, I-I need to study what sort of magical properties all of this has. I've read all sorts of stories, but I don't know how much is fact and how much is fiction yet."

"Heh, you could probably use some of this to knit a sweater." Stan didn't know why, but as soon as he said that it felt...oddly appropriate.

Ford snorted as he gathered up some of the hair and rushed off to the lab.

* * *

**After that, I imagine word gets around the forest fast-soon enough other magical creatures show up wanting Stan to cut their hair for them. Fairies, wood nymphs, merfolk, even manotaurs who want to go with a buzz cut or something. Stan worries a little bit about how 'manly' of a job being a hairdresser is, but it works until or unless he can find one in the human world. And in the meantime, it keeps Ford happy by giving him plenty of samples to study, so win-win.**


End file.
